Homemade Hummus for Humans

Sometimes you just need the sweet lovin' of some chickpeas at 3am, and I'm here to tell you that the night stocking crew at the grocery store does not take kindly to people pounding on the doors in their pajamas wailing for whipped beans.

Enter the mini food processor and hard-to-find tahini.

Thanks to these two marvelous components, we are able to concoct our very own hummus at 3am, in our jammies, without putting on shoes or getting arrested.

After you've rounded up your mini food processor and hard-to-find tahini, take stock of your kitchen.  Make sure you have the following:

1 can of chickpeas/garbanzo beans
1/4 cup tahini
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 tbs olive oil
1 tsp salt
1 clove garlic (or semi-artificial garlic replacement)
Pinch of paprika

If you don't have all those things, pull on your bunny slippers and bang down the doors of the grocery store until they agree to send out paprika and lemons. For best results do this even if the store is open. Send me a copy of the security footage.

After they let you out of the holding cell, come home and whip up a batch of hummus. Make extra to share with your parole officer.*

Start by rinsing your chickpeas to remove any cooties and let them drain while you work on the rest of the ingredients.

Throw your tahini and lemon juice in the mini food processor. Process it until it's all thick and creamy. Do not mistake it for frosting. While hummus is one of the most delicious foods known to mankind, squished up sesame seeds have yet to be deemed an acceptable topping for chocolate cupcakes.

Once your lemon-kissed tahini (we's getting fancy up in here) is all creamy and fabulous, throw in your olive oil and garlic and salt and paprika. Blend some more.

When your mouth starts to water, add in half of your mostly-drained chickpeas and blend some more. When you can barely stand it anymore, add the rest of your chickpeas and blend again. If it's looking a little thick you can add some H2O.

After much blending, consume immediately. This does not leave time for fancy serving dishes or an array of cheeses. Say a quick thank you to the chickpea gods and dig in with some pretzels or crackers or veggies or fingers, whatever happens to be closest.

If you are feeling extra-patient, run some roasted red peppers (you can buy them in jars next to the pickles) through your food processor and mix those into the hummus for an transcendent snacking experience.

*The jury is still out on whether hummus points are as effective as brownie points, but it never hurts to try.